Tattoos on the Cross

(First of all...let's all not freak out - I did not get another tattoo while here in Russia, let alone anywhere. The title of this blog is in reference to a tattoo I already have. You should understand that I spend long, agonizing hours contemplating what the title of my posts will be; it's a bad habit of mine...I find it hard to start something unless it has an absolutely fabulous title. Anyway, moving on...)

Two years ago on one of my best friends birthdays, she and I went to get tattoos. She got the Hawaiian islands and I got a quote that (no matter how fervently I claim it runs across my chest) runs across my cleavage. The quote reads "walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone..." and I don't know why I'm explaining this part because whoever is reading this probably already knows all this. Anyway, let's just finish what I started. SO - I got the tattoo for many reasons, many of which we will not delve into at the moment, but one of the primary reasons was that for a long time I had felt lonely and thought I had come to the pristine realization that a tattoo would remind me that I was never alone. While I was wrong and my realization was rather clouted, I got the tattoo, made some people very unhappy and others very jealous and still others very prone to gawking. Basically, this is the back story of the little trail of ink that traipses across my cleavage.

So what does this all have to do with Russia? Well let ME TELL YOU!

::sigh::

Basically I can't tell you. Ya...I know; big build up, bigger let down. What I can tell you is the framework of my arduous tale. Is arduous even the right word? Anna would know. I tend to throw in random words that I just think are appropriate. Anyway, here we go:
Thursday night I found myself in a situation much like ones I'd been finding myself in for the past few weeks. I didn't think much of it and went to fall asleep in another room. When I returned to my room I found myself in a much more severe situation in which I felt I was forced to make a decision that dealt with someones well being. I know in my heart of hearts that I did the right thing however it's been very hard to stand by my decision. I am definitely being challenged and questioned both literally and figuratively. This escalated so much so that on Saturday I was so overwhelmed I involved my home institution and numerous members of my family demanding I be sent home. This all sounds rather rash without knowing the details but I know that if you know me you'll trust that this situation was as severe as it sounds. While I was in no danger, I felt so overwhelmed. My directors and the program handled everything terrifically and I am not nor was I ever in any danger.

That all sounds so ridiculous and very much like a tease if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Nonetheless, I really wanted to share my overall realization. When discussing this situation with a friend I started crying and (very selfishly) I said "I feel like we all need to bare the cross that God gives us, but sometimes I just feel like my cross is so awkwardly shaped and too big to carry." My friend reminded me that God never gives us anything we can't handle. And that the most challenged people are the closest to the Lord because they are the ones the Devil is most jealous of and is trying to interfere with. I sort of chuckled and said "I feel so stupid...If I'm going to be a social worker some day, I should start getting used to making decisions like this." Suddenly a light went on in my head. I shared with my friend, and later my Mom - what if God presented me with this situation so He could let me know that I indeed had the strength and knowledge to be a social worker? I felt so privileged and loved and (positively) overwhelmed by His love at that moment that I started to cry again.

When I was talking to my Mom later, I told her of this realization and then reminded her (as if she needs reminding!) of my quote tattoo - I was definitely feeling alone at the moment, but God was obviously standing right beside me helping me through this difficult situation. I had to remember I wasn't alone - I was never alone. I didn't need a tattoo in the first place to remind me (albeit it's a tad bit too late) that God is always by my side. It's a nice reminder but the true reminder is my faith.... having the faith to walk with the knowledge that I never walk alone.

So, this post doesn't really have much to do with Russia. I'm sorry if the religion overwhelmed some of you but I really wanted to share it. Frankly I don't have a lot of Russian commentary since I've been indoors pretty much (with the exception of the grocery and pharmacy across the road) for the past 5 days with a bad cold. I'm going to pick up my mail FINALLY at Westpost tomorrow and hopefully make it over to the Hermitage to set up a concrete schedule as there seems to be some confusion. We have an excursion with our History and Culture of St. Petersburg class tomorrow to the State Library (YAY!) so I plan on doing all my errands after that. Until later, with all my love...

Rachel