The Difference Between Changing and Fixing

So I haven’t blogged in almost a month. I would use the excuse that I’ve been busy which is partially true – I wasn’t near my computer for more than a week and only then had very limited access to the internet because I was in the Perm oblast for a week meeting and vacationing with extended family. The two weeks before that I was expecting to lead up to a big exciting blog from when I returned. But obviously I didn’t do that. The two weeks after I returned were filled with me being in a complete and utter lull. My schedule has been pretty much the following: wake up, drink orange juice, get dressed, go to class, take a break and eat mini-croissants from the vending machine, go back to my room and either take a nap or go to the grocery store/post office, and then proceed to hang out with my roommate from 4 (when it gets dark-and I mean DARK…not dusk-ish but DARK) to whenever we decide to retire to our couches moonlighting as beds. Don’t get me wrong, I like Russia but we haven’t really been doing anything crazy cool lately and I’m sorta just like “uh…ok, I’d rather be bored at home where there’s clean water and people I love.”

So that’s my current state of mind for you. But why don’t I take you back a to the last time we parted and update you…

…well, if I can remember. What I can remember is this: on the weekend of October 4^th we went to Pavlovsk. It’s a palace (I know – shocking!). There are lots of pictures from the grounds there. It was a beautiful place with all its fall colored foliage. I feel bad saying this but hey, nothing special - another palace. (Sign #479c that you’re LIVING in Russia: palaces no longer faze you).

I don’t think anything else really that interesting happened between then and our semester break. :: Thinks Hard :: Ya I’m not remembering anything. So the next big thing that occurred waaaaaas:

MOSCOW

Yes, you all know it - the capital of Russia; pronounced moss-ko NOT maws-cow. In order to just GET there, we all left IMOP at around 10 o’clock p.m. on the evening of Friday the 10^th. We took the metro (with our luggage and all) to the Moscow Station and got on our train which left at exactly midnight. The only other train I’ve been on was the ‘Chunnel’ between the UK and France and I was just in a passenger car not a sleeper car. On our way to Moscow though, every 4 of us shared bedrooms. My regular roommate, our director and I all shared a room; I decided to take the top bunk and went right to sleep. The rooms are VERY narrow and so the bunks are very close together; when trying to jump down in the morning I ALMOST broke my nose. Only after I got down did I realize there was a ladder that folded down from the wall.

Now that I’ve given you an overly detailed account of the first 8 hours of our semester break, I’m going to skip around a bit. We got off the train and got on our tour bus and went straight to a restaurant where we were served breakfast which I mainly picked at (it was curd blini and tea). After that we went on a city tour and stopped at some really random sites. The only one I really recognized on my own was Red Square. The rest of the day was mainly churches and cemeteries. At one cemetery however we got to see the graves of Boris Yeltsin, Khrushchev, Anton Chekhov, and Gogol.

We finally made it to our hotel and because of a few people who decided to start their break early and leave Moscow already, I was blessed with my own room. I took a short nap and had a snack and finally at 6 pm we had to come downstairs to get our passports (the hotel needed them to register us and we couldn’t go outside without them). About 7 of my friends and I decided to go the Hard Rock Café but when we finally got there it was pretty much booked solid. Only C and I stayed and got a small table upstairs by the bar. She and I decided to get the “souvenir” drink which came with the souvenir Hard Rock Café – Moscow glass. There was much confusion and I ended up paying through the nose for this giant glass which I drank all of and ultimately made me a little tipsy. The food was super expensive and OF COURSE we had to get shirts to prove we’d been there so in all, we dropped quite a check in the most expensive city in the world (literally – it’s a statistic; look it up).

Afterwards we went souvenir shopping and found some great stuff. As soon as I got home I fell asleep and consequentially forgot to set my alarm. At 9 o’clock (the time we were supposed to meet downstairs) my director called and asked if I planned on joining them. I jumped out of bed, threw on a shirt and brushed my teeth. By the time I got downstairs the group had left but our director’s assistant Misha was waiting for me and he took me to where we were going that day. Where were we going that day you ask? Well, it was none other than the Lenin Mausoleum.

The Lenin Mausoleum was the highlight of Moscow. The security is so high and you have to go through so many different levels before you’re finally allowed to walk down a long concrete path and enter a plain square building and go down about 3 flights of unlit stairs, and take a right. Once you turn the corner there’s a light shining on a box in the center of the room. You have to climb three small stairs and then you are level with the man himself. You aren’t allowed to stop but I walked so slowly. It was the eeriest and yet the coolest feeling in the whole world. Granted this man did a lot of damage but he was also very intelligent and had some great ideas – it was so weird to be in his presence. He looks like he’s about to sit up any second and be like “hey guys, what’s for lunch?” Even though I only saw him for probably 15 seconds, seeing Lenin was the highlight of my trip to Moscow.

Next we went on a tour of the Kremlin. It was pretty cool but our guide explained every single thing in sight and it sort of got a bit tiring after 2 hours. We were all hungry and wet from the rain and just wanted to rest our feet. After the Kremlin, most of us went to Sbarro’s for lunch and from there everyone else shopped around until it was time to go to the Circus. I however didn’t have time to go to the circus. I had to go back to the hotel, pack, and get ready to get on the plane toooooo:

PERM

I caught a taxi (costing $100…eek!) to the airport. I was there super early and got a potato and sat with my baggage. There was no room in the restaurant area so I sat and ate in the lounge section. Apparently my potato offended people. When I was finished, I proudly asked a man in Russian where the rubbish was but to my luck he spoke German. Finally I checked in and an hour later I was on the plane. I slept through the whole flight. And arrived around 5ish in the morning. My Aunt Anna’s mom and her husband Daguir picked me up. I was so happy to meet them.

Wait…everyone reading this knows why I went to Perm right? Okay, okay…just in case you don’t. Readers Digest Version: A few years back, my aunt Shari and Uncle Tim decided to adopt an amazing and adorable little boy named Michael from Russia. They came to the city of Perm, along with my aunt’s twin, my uncle Patrick, to adopt Michael where they were all introduced to Anna who was helping with Michael’s adoption. Well Michael was adopted successfully and is now TOTALLY amazing and MY cool cousin and Patrick and Anna fell in love and got married. Anna’s family couldn’t ALL move with her to the U.S. though so they live in Perm. When I decided a year and a half ago I would be going to Russia, I also decided I would be going to meet my new extended family. Make sense. No? Read it again then.

So ya…when Mom and Daguir picked me up I honestly had like tears in my eyes because I was like “wow…I know I’m not related by blood to these people but I know so much about them and I feel so close to them already and I am so excited to finally be meeting them.” They took me back to their apartment where they fed me the most amazing chicken ever. Mom talked to me for a bit and after I had been in Perm for only 3 hours I felt I was understanding more Russian than I had this entire semester. I took a nap and that evening we had pierogi (I butchered that spelling but basically it’s equivalent to a fried meat pasty…SO good). Then we went for a walk in the forest. I was amazed – a REAL forest. It was like Harry Potter, ha-ha. It got cold so we went inside and then they took me to Anna’s brother’s apartment. Anna’s brother Vassia lives there with his wife Olga and their daughter Katia. I stayed with them since they had a spare bed.

I was really tired so I went right to sleep that night. The next day I was amazed at breakfast – it wasn’t cereal or fruit or toast – it was an entire spread of meats and breads and potatoes and stew and juice and tea. We ate and I think? …that day Olga and Katia and I went to the children’s hospital (Katia had a cold :( ) and then shopping. Olga helped me buy new boots because my tennis shoes weren’t faring well in the rain and mud. The next day we did the same thing except this time I bought a hat and that evening Mom took Katia and me to the ballet. I felt a little bad because I didn’t bring anything to dress up in but I forgot everything when I realized what the ballet was – two adjectives I KNEW – Sleeping Beauty! My favorite fairy tale. It was so amazing and the dancers were perfect. Mom gave me a purse to remember the evening by.

The next day was a really important day for me. We all woke up early and Katia and Olga and I waited downstairs for some friends of Anna’s to come pick me up – they would be taking me to Kudymkar. Kudymkar is the town where the orphanage Michael was adopted from is located. It was a three hour drive and we finally arrived around 11 o’clock in the morning. I met Dr. Alex who showed us around the facilities. We only stayed for about 45 minutes, which honestly made me feel really bad because I wanted to talk to them and tell them why I wanted to be there but my Russian language skills are just so bad. I was so thankful that Anna’s friends drove me three hours only to drive me back three more hours 45 minutes later. But going back a bit when Dr. Alex showed us around it was really hard for me. I can’t imagine how hard it is for potential parents to come to this place only to be turned around because of some paperwork mistake or government holdup. We first went into the three year olds room. Honestly, I had a very naïve vision of what an orphanage was like. Granted there probably are orphanages that aren’t in such good condition but the orphanage at Kudymkar is so wonderful. The children there are being taken care of so well. When Dr. Alex opened the door to the 3 years olds’ room they all smiled and greeted us. However, it still broke my heart. I walked in that room thinking “I can do this – I want to adopt children someday but I know I can’t save the world.” Thirty seconds later as I was walking out I was looking this little girl (who ironically looked exactly like she could be related to my cousin Michael) with tiny glasses in the eye and all my mind could come up with was “Why can’t I save them all?” I was so distraught. We next went to the 1s and 2s. They were just as beautiful and wonderful and I wanted just as much to pick every one of them up and take them home with me. Finally we walked into the babies’ room. There were about 5 of them in different play pens all giggling (or having gas) and I finally couldn’t stay much longer. I wanted to cry but I did not. The following day I felt so sad, almost like a part of me was empty on the inside. I called my Mom and just bawled and she said maybe it was because I had been at Kudymkar. I think so too. I am so glad I went to the orphanage though – I learned so much about myself.

I learned that I was very naïve – not all orphanages are terrible awful places. Kudymkar showed me that maybe I was wrong about Russia; do they really NEED social work? I mean ya, every country needs social services in some way, shape or form but do they need it in the way I was thinking it? I guess what I realized is that the whole world can’t be America. That’s why the world is the way it is, every culture is different and we all thrive because of these differences. It may sound strange to say that we thrive because there are orphans in Russia but what I mean is that the way Russia chooses to take care of their citizens in need reflects their culture and society and that helps us thrive in America as we learn from their society’s successes and mistakes. Similarly, Russia thrives as they learn from America society’s successes and mistakes. Did that make sense? No? It did to me…read it again.

I mean really, this is such a revelation to me. I think going to South Africa now is going to be a totally different experience for me now because I was going with the intention that “This is a country that is in need and if I go there I can save them all.” Ya, Rachel, maybe you can save the world but you’re not going to succeed if you try to do it alone and try to change the world. When I go to South Africa and even in work, grad school, and beyond – I need to reach out to people and be like “Hey, let’s work together…I can’t take ALL the credit for saving the world.” If I don’t, I’m never going to make an impact because ONE person’s biased ideas are pretty useless; a spectrum of ideas from different people is priceless. I also need to respect their society and whatever society I’m working with; I can’t be like “Uh, hey guys, WE do it this way so you should too.” Changing something isn’t necessarily good; making it better the way it is, is. Are you getting all of this? Maybe you should take notes.

I also realized that my Dad not being around still really bothers me BUT at the same time, I am so thankful for the people who do love me. (WHOA…heavy stuff; feel free to skip ahead. This is me sharing my revelations though.) This is something I’ve sort of just realized now as I write this, reflecting back on the experience (i.e. it didn’t hit me right then at Kudymkar). I am angry at my Dad because in a sense he is like all these parents who chose to give up their kids. Ok, maybe that’s not the fairest assumption – maybe some of these babies were teen pregnancies or the nth pregnancy and were ‘given up’ so they could have a better life. But in general seeing those kids made me think “How could you not want something so wonderful?” I’m mad at my father for not ‘wanting’ me. I think it will always bother me a little but each day it does less and less. I’ve realized his absence may have affected me but doesn’t define me. What’s even more important is that I have so many wonderful and amazing people who do love me. I have my animals who love me unconditionally. I have my sorority sisters who love me for who I am and accept me; they are each so wonderful and even though they are halfway across the world right now I know they are still there supporting me, and I them. I have a girlfriend who chooses to love me and that means the world to me. (Btw…Equality is Great, Vote No on 8 :) ). I have my family who is the best family in the world. I HONESTLY don’t know any family that is closer (except maybe like, the Brady Bunch…but they’re like, creepy…and not real) and who would do anything for one another. Plus we are like cool and funny and…ya, don’t you wish your family was hot like mine? (Elder readers, that was a reference to a song lyric…you might want to look it up.) I have my Mom who is my best friend who loves me more than anything and I couldn’t be more thankful for everything she does for me. And most of all, I have God who will love me no matter what.

I learned a countless amount at Kudymkar that day, but the last one I will share with you is that it affirmed the notion that I want to adopt children some day. The biggest difference now though is I don’t want to adopt children to save them or change them, but simply to love them. Adopting a child isn’t going to get you brownie points with the big guy upstairs and you certainly shouldn’t do it with the intention of making them your little project you can now live through vicariously. If I’m going to adopt a child, it’s going to be because I have so much love that I want to share and I’m going to share it with someone who might need a little more than others.

Btw (By the way ….come on, get with it people), I’m not typing all this to preach to the choir or campaign for anything (Except maybe No on 8..Yay :) ). I’m not typing this so you all will be like ooh she’s smart. Frankly I maintain the notion that all of you reading this already knew ALL of this and were just waiting for me to learn this on my own. But ya, just a disclaimer ::waves white flag::

…Back to the land of Perm…

After Kudymkar, Anna’s friends took me to Ella’s house. Ella is another close friend of Anna’s and came to visit us all in Hawaii this summer. She made us a fabulous lunch and showed me pictures from her trip. Thursday Mom and Daguir took me site seeing around the city and we went to the Perm State art museum which was wonderful. They had the biggest wooden iconostasis I’d ever seen. (That sounds perverted but it’s really a word I learned here in Art history). We went back to their apartment and had a great meal as always. It was stuffed bell peppers and egg salad. Let me just say, I don’t eat bell peppers or eggs but Anna’s Mom is such a freakin amazing cook that I practically licked my plate from that meal. I don’t remember exactly every meal but mostly we ate chicken because MY mom told Anna who told HER Mom that I love chicken so, in order to accommodate me I suppose, we indeed ate chicken for almost every meal. I was in heaven.

Friday…I’m drawing a blank. Eek! I’ll come back later and update it when I remember

Saturday we went to the Dacha (summer home). We ate shashlik and potatoes and stuffed ourselves full. Riji, Mom and Daguir’s AMAZING dog-like cat was even there. I think I took more pictures of Riji than of people. He followed me around and protected me like a dog. The Dacha was so great; it’s right near the water and so beautiful. Mom, Katia and I did a banya (steam bath…basically). It was so hot I couldn’t breathe at first but by the end I got the hang of it and was SO relaxed.

Sunday we went to a monastery that was quite a ways out of the city. I was really disappointed when my camera died as soon as we got there but needless to say it was amazing. On the way there however, the best part of my entire stay in Perm took place. It was just me and Vassia in the car. I was really enjoying myself ever since I got to Perm but I was also feeling a little awkward because I was having a hard time communicating with my limited vocabulary. I also felt bad like I was inconveniencing them by not being able to tell them how I felt. So it was just me and Vassia in the car and we were smiling at each other but not really talking much and he has a really good speaker system in his car and this song came on his mp3 player and I said (In Russian ::applause:: ) who is this? He showed me the CD and I was amazed that it there were 200 songs on ONE CD. He asked me (I think?) if I liked it and then told me (I know this for sure) to change it to what I wanted to listen to. I changed it to Kanye West’s “Stronger” and as soon as the robot-esque Kanye starts rapping me and Vassia looked straight at each other and just smiled and cracked up. He said “I like this!” and I go “me too!” It wasn’t a conversation about Faust or Kant but we really connected and I really felt close to him and it made me so happy.

That evening at dinner I had to say goodbye to Daguir because he had work the next day and the next morning I said goodbye to Katia and Olga. Mom and Vassia took me to the airport where luckily they stayed with me until I got through the gate because I almost didn’t get through! The militsia office stopped me and said I didn’t have all my paperwork (which I DID!) and after about 20 minutes of coaxing he finally let me through. I just chilled on the flight back and finally returned to Saint Petersburg where I took a taxi back to IMOP.

Perm was amazing. Katia and Daguir are so funny and I think they think it’s hilarious I don’t know Russian. I’m so glad I connected with Vassia. Olga was my dictionary buddy and I spent the most time with her so we actually became really close. She even colored my hair! – Russian red, I love it. And Mom is so wonderful; I LOVE her cooking and she is just an amazing person in general. I’m so happy I got to meet all of them and I consider them family just as close to my heart as family I have anywhere else in this world.

This is a SUPER long blog and I applaud you if you made it all the way here (and actually read it all…I bet my cousin Anna [not to be confused with my aunt] did it…she can read like anything). I’ll sum up the past week quickly. Went to Kuntskamera (ethnography museum) last Saturday – tad disappointing. It was like a really corny museum and lots of preserved fetuses so it was a little upsetting but it had a nice view of the city. This week I’ve mainly been staying inside since it’s been getting so dark SO early. Yesterday was Halloween but all I did was go to McDonalds and play spades with my friends because we had class this morning. Sunday we’re all having a costume party because Monday and Tuesday here are some liberation from somewhere holidays. So we’ll see what I end up dressing up as…as of now I have no costume.

There’s so much more I want to share with all of you but I think I’ll save it for next time. I need to learn how to evenly distribute my blogging. I hope you all are doing well. 6 more weeks - wow how time has flown by! Take care everyone, and please don’t forget to vote!!!

All my love,

Rachel

p.s. wanna know something gross? I've been here...how long? I've washed my towel once :)